Doubts
by tailor31415
Summary: Or The Time Kilgharrah Reassured Merlin - because he really needs some reassuring.


Set in Season 4 after episode 10

Disclaimer: Not my personal property and I take no property claims to the show/characters.

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><p>When Kilgharrah answered the summons this time, he knew there was no danger, no trouble – that there wasn't even urgency. Just the utter weariness and brokenness of Merlin's voice. So, he rushed just as quickly as he would if there was danger.<p>

And he found Merlin in their usual clearing, near the citadel, resting on a stump with his head propped up by his hands. His eyes were hidden, Kilgharrah noted. Aithusa landed and, with the hobbling-jump-skipping walk that was now a common occurrence, headed towards Merlin's lap. The man lifted his elbows to accept Aithusa's proffered head and fingers found scales to set up a scratching rhythm.

"'lo," the word was soft and quiet in the night air, head downturned so that chin was nearly touching chest.

Kilgharrah lowered his head, even knowing Merlin did not see, and replied, "Greetings, young warlock. What troubles you this evening?" This was not the first time Merlin had called him like this – they were kin and so Kilgharrah was happy Merlin was willing to speak with him over his troubles.

Merlin's shoulders tensed slightly and his head seemed to sink even further. It was a long time in the quiet darkness before he answered, "It's just…" A long pause, Aithusa burbled in the silence and nuzzled into Merlin's thighs, "It's Arthur."

Kilgharrah was not surprised – if it was not an evil plot against Arthur, then the problem always was just Arthur himself. He waited without prodding – he had endless amounts of patience when it came to listening to Merlin's problems, now that he was free at least – and Merlin began to speak again finally. "It's just that he, he takes out all his anger on me – not the knights, not the other servants – just me. Maybe it's because he trusts me more than anyone, but maybe it's just because after so much he knows I won't leave him." His voice grew softer and softer until Kilgharrah could almost barely make out the next words, "And I won't. Ever." And then louder, again, "But then he'll also trust me, and ask my opinion. And, and just, he'll just listen to me and say 'thanks' and I don't know what to think." His head lifted slightly, but his eyes were still hidden beneath the fringe of his hair. "Will it always be like this? This back-and-forth? I almost don't know what to expect each time I see him."

He thought for a moment before he replied – he did not know everything, and he had not seen everything, but, from what he had seen, Kilgharrah knew of certain things that would come to pass. "What I have seen is that Arthur will one day trust you completely." Merlin's entire body seemed to twitch at that – no doubt he was thinking of the eventual sharing of his secret. "One day, you will be the one he absolutely relies on for advice and counsel." Shifting his feet slightly in the grassy earth, Kilgharrah added, "But I do not know when that day will come, or how. Merlin, you must be patient."

Merlin twitched again, fingers pressing down in a way that caused Aithusa to squeak. "I am sick of being patient!" he shouted to the ground, other hand rising to gesticulate. "I-I have given so much for him! For my destiny. And it's not that I hate the chores, because honestly I have gotten used to them, or that I hate Arthur's pratty attitude, because I've learned to just accept that, but I'm afraid he will never trust me. It's been years and he still trusts an uncle who suddenly showed up more than me. What more does he want from me? " His shoulders were shaking now, and his voice trembled at the end of each sentence. Kilgharrah wondered for a moment if his eyes were full of tears. "You say you've seen it, but I haven't – and what if it's only when I'm really an old man that he is as you say he will be?"

Aithusa slipped out of his hold and retreated to between Kilgharrah's legs. Merlin's hand drifted in the same direction and clenched shut on air. "He is…I think of him as a brother, granted one that is more of a bully, but I fear he will never see me as more than a servant."

Kilgharrah opened his mouth to speak, but Merlin added in almost a whisper, "He's threatened to exile me…" And he knew Merlin was thinking of the exiled Guinevere – blaming himself and wondering what he had done wrong to allow such a thing to happen.

Their separation must never happen, of that Kilgharrah was certain. Merlin must remain at Arthur's side for his destiny, their destiny, to be fulfilled. "I know he will never do such," Kilgharrah replied, vehemently. Merlin's head lifted slightly more. "As I have said before, a half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole – and Arthur will never betray you in such a way." He waited until he could nearly see Merlin's eyes to lean closer and add, "You will be by his side until the end, Merlin. Do not fear so." If he said it, Merlin would believe him – would make it come true. No matter the cost.

His eyes raised and met Kilgharrah's – lit by the bright moonlight and gleaming with barely-withheld tears. "Yeah?" Merlin asked, voice nearly cracking at the end as his tears threatened to break free. Such a young Dragonlord, Kilgharrah thought fondly. So young for so much already.

"You are two sides of the same coin, after all," Kilgharrah assured him before taking flight – Aithusa clinging to his front claws. And if he looked back to watch Merlin as long as he could, to ensure his safe return to the castle and watch for a more peaceful step in his stride, then he was pleased Merlin would never know.

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><p>Thanks for reading. Please review if you'd like!<p> 


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